the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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