Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
