I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
