you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
