my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
