so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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