I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
