1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
