Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
