I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
