I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
