Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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