So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize