I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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