His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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