captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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