she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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