can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
