I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
