i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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