i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Randomize
