I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You can't motorboat a personality
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
