if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
