Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
