Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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