your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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