You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
