Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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