When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
