Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize