I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
