You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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