Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
