I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
