just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
