to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
There r osticjed everywhere
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize