I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize