Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
