Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
