Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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