K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
