it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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