i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
