new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
