Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
