I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
