So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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