dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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