she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Hippo gnu deer
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
