Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
