there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I didn't notice because vodka
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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