I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
