you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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