Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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