WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize